Forgetful me

I'm struck, at the core. I'm sitting here in the library neglecting to study for a quiz I have in an hour. Instead I’m choosing to put my thoughts somewhere. I just left an IAH class where we watched a film about Francis Bacon. It was hard to watch, very gruesome, morbid, sexual, and homosexual. Instead I sat there reading a book, avoiding the film.

My heart has been all over the place lately. I feel so lost, like I’ve been missing the big picture lately. I’ve come to realize that is exactly it. I have been missing the big picture. I’ve been asking a lot of the “why” questions lately.

“Why am I at school?”

“Why am I studying engineering?”

“Where do I fit into God’s plan?”

“What is God’s specific purpose in my life?”

I’ve come to realize that these questions, while good to ask, require a lot of faith. I don’t know why my life is the way it is, but I want to. I am frustrated with the mystery of it. I feel like a ball placed into space with nothing directing it or guiding it where to go. It dawned on me earlier. My purpose isn’t for myself. I’m not here for me. I’m not made for me and for all the good things that can happen to me. I am not made just to be a good person. I am not made to fill all the needs of a woman. I am made for Jesus, and only Him. I’ve missed that.

I’ve missed that He is my Lord, my King. I’ve been thinking about what that means lately. “Lord” is one of those Christian terms that are thrown around a lot, but do we really know what it means? At the core, I see it as placing Jesus as my number one priority. He must be my life. I forget that. I have made things, others, or myself my life… not God. How painful. My purpose is to live for Christ, with Christ, and guided by Christ. Except it is always about me. I am apart of an amazing story, the establishment of God’s Kingdom. I’ve been trying to establish my own. I pray that my heart is changed, that my desires become like Christ’s. I need the guidance and comfort of the Holy Spirit. I’ve been trying on my own too often.

I’ve had an obstacle in front of me lately, trying to understand it, examining it, questioning its existence, and I’ve taken my eyes of Christ. I’ve been so focused on my self and the crap I’m in to the point that I’ve forgotten to follow Christ. God has been humbling me, and it’s funny because at Riverview we’ve been covering Philippians 2, which deals with humility.

“1If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4Each of you should look not only to you own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5Your attitude should be the same as that of Jesus Christ…”

Wow, so you’re saying that I should care about others while considering them better than myself with an attitude like Christ? That is deep. Me? I’ve been focused on me, me, and me. It may not have been outwardly expressed, but in my heart exists this thorn of pride. I know this because I haven’t been comforted.

Pray for me that my heart would change for God. Jesus put it so clearly when He said “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

I have tried to create a new commandment. “Love yourself above all else.”

Jesus never said that.